Jokes Written for Other Comedians


 

By Michael Paul

 

 

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JAY LENO:

“An Opera singer sues for botched surgery now passing gas every time she sings. So i guess it’s Puccini from her punnini?”

 

“The Olympics. The thrill of victory, the agony of the broadcast.”

 

 

 

 

joan-rivers

JOAN RIVERS:

“Bruno Mars looked great. So did the family of squirrels living in his hair.”

 

It is my hope the X Factor’s Carlito loses and pulls a knife on Mario Lopez.”

 

Red carpet host Juliana Rancic is so thin, she makes the microphone look like it’s over weight.”

 

“The transgendered (now a guy) singer chose “If I were a Boy” & “Same Love”. We get it. You have no musical taste. And his eyebrows were threaded with an arch that would make Louie Armstrong jealous.”

 

“Justin Timberlake won again. JC Chavez is sending best wishes from his motel room in between meth hits.”

 

 

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LISA LAMPANELLI:

  
“I’m going there to shake some hands. And when I say hands, I mean penises.”

 

“A Roman Catholic woman was offended by one of my jokes. I pacified her with: “I also had gay sex with your daughter”. Her head F-n exploded.

 

“My twitter was on fire!” … Stds suck.”

 

“Arrow” star Stephen Ammel speaks out about Russian homophobia. In other news, my mother spoke out about Syria. Both weigh heavily Im sure.”

 

 

richard-lewis-sized

RICHARD LEWIS:

“I have a romantic Valentines Day evening planned with my right hand. We’ve been together over 10 years!”

 

“I used to name my wiener, “Mr. Fun” because I liked to poke fun at everyone.”

 

“I was watching a rerun of Love Boat . I never realized how much loving was actually going on. Most people don’t know this, but “Doc” had syphilis .”

 

“No I’m not gay, I’m just Jewish.”

 

Soooo we never hear any stories about Jesus growing up. Like, the “terrible twos” or the teen years. What are they hiding?”

 

 

lewisblack2

LOUIS BLACK:

“Yes I bought and wore a “man bag” while in Europe. Because you know what they say, “When in Europe, look like a faggity douche.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Andrew-Dice-Clay

ANDREW DICE CLAY:

“My new self help book: “He’s Just Not That Into You … Cause You’re a Whore.”

 

“I’m coughing so much, you’d think 3 doctors are cupping my balls and telling me to turn my head.”

 

“The river runs deep … And so does my c***.”

 

 

 

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