My List of Show Business Story Teasers
When I was asked to write a piece for the salute to today’s comedy, I had no idea that my 20 years on the edge of nearly making it in show business, counted. So Instead of boring you with self-analyzing, I’ve compiled a list of short anecdotal teasers.
◆ Saving the day for William Shatner at a Trekkie convention.
◆ Mob boss “Little Nicky Scarfo” becomes a fan of mine & slips me an $800 tip after I do him a favor.
◆ Interning at NBC, Miles Davis shows up high, molests the make up lady, then goes into a stupor during his solo on live TV.
◆ A child wanders into the Sesame Street studio and goes berzerk seeing Big Bird without a head.
◆ Literally breaking into SNL, Rosie O’Donnell & the William Morris Agency offices dressed as a courier to get my packages on desks and get meetings.
◆ The Pointer Sisters drugs & shrimp contract.
◆ The Pointer Sisters finding out my mother made me listen to “Slow Hand” before my date with a girl.
◆ Rodney Dangerfield doing a surprise 5 mins before my 2nd night of comedy in 1988.
◆ Being thrown off stage and the subject of an evangelical tirade to 3,000 people at Walt Disney World by HealthSouth CEO only months before he goes to prison for stock fraud & manipulation.
◆ I open for a living legend. But not before her manager instructs me to not be funnier than the legend.
◆ After fending off a female heckler for 20 minutes, Brett Butler goes on stage and rips into her in a drunken tirade.
◆ Snowed in at a comedy club with the angry audience.
◆ The magic show with the lion that pissed on the reporters & audience opening night.
◆ A Broadway star steals my script and the litigation thereafter.
◆ Random sex with the room service person when all I wanted was pillows.
◆ Walking in on Greg Louganis naked in bed with a guy before he was “out”.
◆ Dick Clark, the cheap bastard.
◆ Singing with the last of The Mills Brothers and ignoring the fact that one is white.
◆ Being blackballed from an iconic children’s TV show after continuously bumping into a married, husband & father who puppeteers the most famous puppet in the world … in a gay bar.
◆ Florence Henderson’s rules opening for her in concert.
◆ Sharing a room with Joan Rivers & Don Rickels arguing.
◆ A serious discussion with David Wain & Winona Ryder on the best way for her to fuck a ventriloquist dummy.
◆ Being asked to handle my court case on “The Peoples Court”.
◆ Sitting in a bar introducing Siegfried & Roy on my left, to Harvey Fierstein & the cast of “Hairspray” on my right.
◆ Sneaking past security AS security to meet the Queen of England.
◆ Michael Jackson disciplines MacCauley Culkin with a slap during my performance.
◆ Years later Mac Culkin married, divorced & still under aged, asks me to score him a Jack-n-Coke. “But…you’re Macauley Culkin!”
◆ The night I was attacked on stage by a drunk man and dragged to the floor……twice.
◆ The night I brought a deaf mute on stage by accident.
◆The night an audience of mentally challenged adults surrounded me mid show to sing AT me.
◆ The night the balcony was deaf and the main floor was Russian, so they either couldn’t hear me or couldn’t understand me.
◆ My 1st stage performance & my 1 word line …. that I missed.
◆ My 1st stalker in Reno 1996 that had to be escorted out of the building finally.
◆ My 2nd stalker in 2002 that eventually had the police and FBI involved.
◆ In the movie theatre with James Brown and his “black-up” singers.
◆ Accidentally over dosing on allergy meds and repeating the same joke 3xs in one show.
◆ The power goes out in the 2500 seat theater and I do 8 minutes in the dark. (getting me my first Vegas job).
◆ Singing “Dick in the Box” with Katherine Heigl after discussing the appropriate use of the word “vagina”.
◆ I pretend to be deaf so the Airline Check In lady would pay me some attention. She was also the flight stewardess so I had to pretend to be deaf for 3 hours.
◆ When the Prime MInister of The Bahamas asked how I liked living there, I told him my apartment had a phone, but the street had no phone lines. My street had working phones the next day.
◆ Buzz Aldrin, Harrison Ford & Morgan Freeman walk into a bar.
In the event I never get this kind of attention again, I would like to say from my heart to all of the industry execs … I have a script. Call me.