Real Time with Bill Maher “NEW RULES”
















1.) NEW RULE, Unlike females, gay men and some straight men like butt play because there is a prostate and it’s an erogenous zone. Women do not have prostates so if she likes butt play, she is just a dirty whore.


2.) NEW RULE, Stop producing “regular strength” anything in my medicine aisle when you’re now selling a newer, better version of it.  “No thanks, I’d rather suffer a little longer. I’ll take the regular, weaker pill for my aches and pains.” This also goes for cereal. Once you’ve made “ALL NEW ‘Sugar Smacks’, now with more sugar”, send the old boxes to Iraq, Compton or Al Roker.


3.) NEW RULE, If I’ve got a beer in one hand and the TV remote in the other and you walk into the room, either take off your bra or get the hell out.


4.) NEW RULE, The Hassidic Jews must stop wearing that outfit. Does God want you wearing layers of black in the middle of a heat wave? Sure you were the first to don the threads but now I confuse you for the Amish or a Blues Brothers impersonator. If you’re the “chosen ones”, choose a new look. Up your game! “Bedazzle” the coat! Gerry-curl your paias or pull a rabbit out of that big black hat!


5.) NEW RULE, Stop holding onto my headrest to get your fat ass out of your seat. I’m trying to sleep and every time you get up to pee, you slingshot me into the cockpit, which I only did once during a drunken night in Amsterdam.


6.) NEW RULE, Stop saying how much you love fried calamari. It’s the fried you love.  Without it, it’s squiggly, slimy, suction cupped legs with a gelatinous head. If that’s your thing, I think the Octo-Mom is single.